If you have big dreams but you are a highly anxious person, you need to hear this. You are capable of doing hard and uncertain things and no, this is not a motivational bluff.
Despite our many aspirations, most of us are not where we want to be. For some, this stagnation is not due to lack of skills or knowledge but because of social anxiety, low self-efficacy, and a host of fears we can’t even name.
Like most people, I was that girl who would binge watch and listen to all the inspirational personal growth content but still chicken out when it was time to take action.
My thoughts would run wild and I would go:
Oh, I haven't done enough research yet.
What if I make a fool of myself?
What if I say the wrong thing?
I'm not qualified to say this!
But guess what? The research never ends. You'll make a fool of yourself at some point. You will say or write something that might land on the wrong side of the court. The imposter syndrome will seep in now and then, irrespective of your qualifications.
The truth is, we could do the could I or should I dance all day long, but we’ll never arrive at a solution or achieve our goals until we actually do the thing we’ve been dancing around.
This is what psychologist Albert Bandura affirmed in this renowned research on self-efficacy—a person's belief in their own capacity to plan and accomplish their goals (desired tasks).
And if I've learnt anything from the last couple of months as an ex-shy girl, overthinker, and socially anxious person, it's this exact truth. Confidence in your abilities doesn’t grow from dreaming, planning, or merely knowing. It grows from evidence.
Evidence from doing.
So if you are ambitious but anxious to go after that dream or simply want to be more competent in accomplishing your goals, here are four proven ways to do it according to behavioural science.
1. Start even if you don’t feel ready (mastery experiences)
Mastery experience is the evidence you personally create, and it’s the most powerful source of confidence building.
Every time you successfully do something, no matter how small that thing is, you provide your brain and mind with the proof that ‘Oh we can actually do this.’
The execution of the task itself doesn’t even have to be perfect or effortless. But by simply taking the step, performing the task, and being successful at it, you’ve created the evidence your brain needs to get out of your head and take the next step.
Unfortunately, this is where most of us get stuck. We delay taking action because we believe we have to be confident first to even think of handling that task. But in my experience, that is hardly true.
Back in high school, I was the girl who would feign sickness and hide in the sick bay when it was time for physical education because going for P.E meant doing something that I thought I was terrible at. People and sports.
So I always found a reason to skip P.E. What I failed to see back then, was that going to P.E. every Friday would have actually fast tracked my social confidence and eventually, my athletic abilities. A girl can dream.
But I didn’t go, so I never got over those fears and insecurities in high school. Three years later, I found myself in university, where the social environment was ten times more intimidating than high school.
Those fears came back full force whenever I entered the lecture hall, where it was more of a discussion, and students were eagerly sharing their thoughts and engaging in meaningful academic discourse.
It was the same game. Just different venues. But this time, I did something different. Instead of running to the school clinic, I stayed to play.
It was an introduction to psychology class, and the lecture was engaging, so I dared to raise my hand, not even all the way up, but I did, and I answered a question.
I don’t remember the exact question, but I remember my heart beating so fast I thought I was going to faint. Even before raising my hand, I had rehearsed what I was going to say in my head as usual, and still, my voice shook, and I stammered.
But guess what? I engaged! In a social environment I found intimidating.
The next time, I was the one asking the questions, and before long, I was leading class presentations, group discussions, receiving the highest marks in sports psychology of all things, and speaking at academic conferences as valedictorian.
It all started with one very tiny action. Of choosing not to run but to feel the fear and do it anyway like the saying goes.
Stepping outside my comfort zone or as I like to call it, my fear zone in school not only helped me academically, but this newfound self-belief seeped into other areas of my life where I'm just as anxious to take action.
Of course, the nerves are still there, and my heart still beats like crazy whenever I have to engage in any social space, whether in person or online. Like I’m doing right here. But the only difference is that I now have proof of having done this before.
Most of the time that we’ve been here before evidence is all the reminder that our brain needs to chill out. Other times, we just need to familiarize ourselves with the requirements of our goals or roles.
2. Borrow someone else's belief until you build your own (vicarious learning)
The second best way to build confidence is learning from others. Unlike mastery experience, where we build confidence by going out there and doing the work, vicarious learning is more like a borrowed self-belief from second-hand experience.
Because the truth is, we don’t always believe in our potential. Maybe because we haven’t succeeded at our goal yet to believe we have what it takes. So, in this case, Bandura suggests we borrow that belief by watching someone we relate to succeed at a similar task.
When we learn from others' success, our brain updates itself and goes ‘hey if they can do it, maybe I can too.’
But here is the thing, you have to be very careful of who you model or take inspiration from because we unconsciously pick up both positive and negative cues such as fears, insecurities, and doubts from the people and things we observe.
Also, proximity plays a crucial role in our self-belief. For instance, if we’re always surrounded by people who reinforce fear, avoidance, or self-doubt, we internalize their beliefs, and that becomes our evidence too.
This is where I agree that we need to be intentional about the people we move with, who we learn from in person and online, and most importantly, be intentional about what we consume psychologically.
One thing I like to tell students as peer mentor is to audit their study environment every academic year, to expose themselves to people and opportunities that push them closer to their academic goals.
The same applies in life outside the classroom. When we're working on our new year's resolutions, vision boards, and quarterly goals, let's not forget to audit our physical and psychological environment to expose ourselves to the people and opportunities that drive us to take action. The reverse is also true.
3. Watch the voices you let in, including your own (verbal persuasion)
According to Bandura, verbal persuasion is the least potent source of efficacy compared to mastery experience and vicarious learning. But it’s still a way to build confidence.
These are the external and sometimes internal voices you let in. The words people speak over you matter more than you think. Every encouragement and constructive feedback that reminds us of our capabilities pushes us to attempt things that we would’ve otherwise avoided.
Bandura stresses that not all voices carry equal weight because we are more influenced by people we perceive as trustworthy, credible, and relatable. While this tells us to be selective about the opinions we let influence our lives, it also tells us to be mindful of how we speak to ourselves because our inner voice is mostly the loudest one.
The last thing we want is a harsh inner critique yapping every time we dare to take action.
4. Reframe it: What if it's not fear but excitement? (Physiological states).
The last source of efficacy is emotional and physiological states. This is something most of us are guilty of. Especially when we find ourselves in situations that challenge us. Naturally, we become anxious in those circumstances, but how we interpret this anxiety is what makes a difference.
Bandura’s research and countless studies on the topic suggest that we often judge our abilities based on how we feel in the moment.
This means that if we catch ourselves feeling unsure about a task, we can either interpret that feeling as a sign that we’re not capable or reframe it as a sign that this is simply unfamiliar territory. One we can explore and experiment with. When we do this, we adopt a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset, and we stop disqualifying ourselves before we even have a chance to take action.
Knowing this now, when I get anxious about stepping outside my comfort zone, I remember (sometimes I forget) this little tip and ask myself: what if it's not fear that I'm feeling but excitement?
Because fear and excitement share a similar physiological arousal. It's just our interpretation of it that determines how it affects our mood and ultimately the outcome of our performance.
A positive mood creates pleasant feelings and state of mind which makes a person view their abilities in a positive light. Similarly, a bad mood diminishes this positive regard of one's strengths (Bandura, 1977).
So the next time you catch yourself dwelling on only the negative side of your bodily reactions or emotions, I want you to try this cognitive reframing exercise and see what happens.
If you already do this, I'd really love to know how it's helping you take action towards your goals, so tell me in the comments.
And if you are still sitting on the fence waiting to feel ready or bold enough before acting, take it from a fellow human who is mostly scared of making a fool of herself but still shows up—confidence comes after you've taken the step. Not before.
It doesn't have to be a giant bold step. A tiny wobbly step works just as well.
So start now. Take the first tiny step. Because every small win is stacking evidence in your favour that yes you can do it despite the fears and uncertainty.
I will end with this saying I’ve been coming across lately.
You will never feel ready because ready isn't a feeling. It's a decision.
If you found this helpful, you might also want to understand the personality trait that makes anxiety so loud in the first place and how it quietly affects more than just your confidence.
The personality trait that is quietly shaping your financial future